My hand turned me down
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
