I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
