Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
