im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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