i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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