Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
