Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
