He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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