I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
