In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
