he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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