Cold hands, warm shart.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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