so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
