I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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