I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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