there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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