I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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