that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
