Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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