Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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