Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
