nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
