my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
