ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
and she was petting her beer can
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
