I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
