It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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