I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
