Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
