I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
