The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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