Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
