Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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