those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
