I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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