She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
