I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
