My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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