Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
