im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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