His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
