so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
