On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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