I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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