WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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