community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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