Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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