Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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