You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
