the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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