i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
two words...techno handjob
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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